Post Secret

No real post tonight....okay, that's a lie...

First off http://postsecret.blogspot.com Check it out. Pretty much this is one of the most inspiring ideas I've ever come across...infact I didn't even come across it, someone else pointed it out to me.

Today has been the 3rd day in a long string of crappy days. Today piqued in a full on anxiety attack. I had just spent money on groceries...I don't like having to eat because it means spending money...isn't that horrible? Anyway, I dropped a girlfriend off to shoe shop while I ran over to the movie theater I've been trying desparately to get a job at. As I walked in, I made eye contact with the manager that I needed to talk to. He promptly moved to the back...employee area or whatever. I talked to the girl at the counter "I need to talk to your manager in charge of hiring, please," I stated cordially. I thought "finally, I've got him cornered!" Much to my frustration, she returned and said "Yeah, he's busy getting some films started, he'll call you back later."

I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH THE BASTARD. The lines were horrendous! The place is obviously UNDERSTAFFED. I'm far more qualified than the pippy-twats working there...barely high school grads with no real motivation...living off mommy and daddy's cash. I need a job, damnit. I turned on my heel, mouth full of guile, and sat in my car.

At the shoe store, I found a pair that I obviously couldn't buy, as they cost $20, and I shouldn't be spending any money...I let them sit, but vowed to return and purchase them upon gathering some funds, be it through honest employment, or whoring myself out...damn.

Return home...anxiety builds. Crapface person who barges into my apartment and I can't stand is there, bugging people as usual...I told him I refused to talk to him, there was an anxiety attack on the brink of spilling over. I went to my room and bawled.

This is the third day in a row that I've been thrown into hysterics because of frustration, loneliness, or dispair. No, coming out of the closet and "accepting that I'm gay," and living the lifestyle isn't going to make it go away...sorry to be a blunt bastard, but I don't want to hear that tonight. I don't want to hear people chide "you need to accept how you are, and just go fuck some stud in the ass." Not happening, my lovelies. I'd be more emotionally unstable were I to fornicate in such a manner, nigh unto suicide...I WOULD kill myself.

I won't ask for a pardon of the swearing...I don't feel I need a pardon. These are my words...interperet them how you will.

Ношт.

I am so Rational...

I don't know if it's a consequence of not taking my medication last night, and then finally taking it this afternoon, or what, but I am feeling so freaking paranoid right now...so agonizingly....just...erased....and I'm going to post here, because I know that there are few of you who really know me in person, and I can just get this off my chest. In times when I'm feeling most neurotic, and helpless, getting this out in text tends to help the most.

I am forgotten by the one good friend I had. It's not consequential to his working nights (or maybe it is), it's not consequential to my LIVING with him (or maybe it is), but my roomate, and best friend is leaving me wanting....gosh, I'm a neurotic mess.

Here's the premise on which I'm basing this paranoid rant...I'm not on his MSN instant messager list...am I ridiculous? My brain says "yes," but my instincts, leaving me frantic, say no. This is what happens whenever I let myself have a "best friend." I get pushed away...most often times by my own doing. I might not be in his phonebook on his phone next. He IS moving to a different, outrageously priced apartment next semester...maybe avoiding me is his goal. I tend to complain about my SSA every once in a while to him...but no, I don't feel like it's to the point of being annoying. We just don't really TALK anymore...that makes me SO sad. I should have heeded co-worker advice, and NOT lived with my 'best friend.' How selfish am I? Sitting here complaining...he's got a life...but dagnabbit, I want one.

I still haven't found a job...and while the graphic design place that I applied at said that they REALLY liked my worksample, they aren't going to be hiring anyone, they've decided, until mid February. I'm frantic...I'm at my whit's end...

The movie theater that I'm applying at...the manager is NEVER available. I'm supposed to call in around 5 tonight, but I was supposed to do that these past 2 days, and to what outcome? My STOPPING IN did nothing, as he wasn't there. Also, there aren't any positions for art models left open either...looks like Rexburg Opinion Center, here I come...guh.

I'm feeling kind of suicidal right now...gyarg. No, not suicidal...but...this is kind of the feeling that I wanted to escape while I was still in Oregon...will this ever stop?

Hermitage...the life for me.

So, rather than look at porn tonight, I've decided that I need to update this thing all-freakin'-ready! Sorry for the delay. Really, I have NO reason not to have posted...a bit has happened, and I've done absolutely nothing...so yeah...no excuses for me.

I'm just going to flit about randomly talking about things since last I posted.
THIS LAST SUNDAY
Damn you, shared-major-boy...DAMN YOU! This last Sunday was definately rough...no fun for teh Peculiar Mormon. First off, the day before, I had given into a large masturbation-binge...mlerf...but no porn! YAY ME (kinda....). I won't say how much, but I'll just say we can suffice to call it a "binge." So by the time I went to bed, I had that under my belt (no pun intended), and was feelin' kind of guilty...and it's so frustrating, because I KNOW it's wrong, but I still continue to do it. I've managed to stave it off in the past...why am I not now? Weakness...one of the many banes of my existence! So anyway...Sunday morning-afternoonish swung around, and so did the sacrament. I came into church, found Lizanator, and sat down with her, hoping to keep my head down in my nice new sweater, and hoping to remain unnoticed...if I managed that, then MAYBE I could manage all my meetings at church that day...but low and behold...one of my roomates, also the ward executive secretary (love the kid to death; we watch WWF and have a riot) asked me to help with the sacrament...I really didn't feel like I should have/that I wanted to in my far-less-than-statuesque-priesthoodly-example state...but what was I going to do? Make a quazi-big scene? Say that I wasn't going to, and have even MORE people in the ward stare me down? That, and I didn't want to let my roomate down...so I relented, and helped pass..."please don't let shared major boy be up there too...please don't let shared-major boy be up there too..." I said to myself...and if he was, "don't look at him" would have been my mantra. And guess WHO gets asked to say the opening prayer? That boy with facial features so defined they could cut diamonds...BLAST! Oof...his face.....gruh.....no...fight the thought.
So yeah...as if sacrament meeting couldn't get any worse, and I couldn't feel any more crappy about myself, take a wild guess at the topic of all the talks in Sacrament meeting...that's right....MISSION SERVICE! Okay, it was on 'missionary work' as well, but what really can you do for the 'missionary effort' while at a church school, I mean really? I am nice to my roomates, I clean the kitchen for them, there...service done. Actually, I really DO need to try to find some more ways to serve around here. I think it'd keep me away from the porn, and keep my hands busy with something other than....well, yeah.

I got called to be our FHE Dad...how awkward is that? Me...a calling already. When the member of the bishoprick called, I told him I'd be working alot, but it sounded good...he asked if there was anything that I needed to talk to the bishop about, and I said no...really, I don't feel like there IS, other than maybe the fact that I want his suggestion on who he might refer me to as a therapist...see if he can offer me any advice when it comes to keepin' on the straight and narrow.

I stay up toooooooo laaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

Liz, I love you. You are like, my favorite...I love that I can go over to your apartment, and now that everybody know's I'm a big gay boob in your apartment, I can come and complain and put my head in your lap, and have my head scratched, and have your roomates give me kudos for not having a boyfriend, and wanting a wife.

But I'm sick of stavin' it off...not that I want a boyfriend. I KNOW that that would lead me nowhere. I wish that I just didn't like ANYONE...I could have all the friends in the world...just not get romantic with any one person...and then I could completely devote my life to my artwork, and learning 5 languages, and I could own a dog, and have HIM be my companion...or...

I could just go and be a hermit in the woods like I've been fantasizing about lately.

In my mind, in my mind.

So, this is mine...It's been my heart and soul for the past few months...it's increasing and growing....subject to change.

I
The paper stars that you've pinned up to my cieling
they're just no substitue...
For the real night sky, outside...I've got to get out - to get through

So if you want to go for a ride,
and if you want to stay alive -
Come with me, we'll find another place
Come with me - I can't stay.
These memories will fade, with time.

II
Sitting on the front porch, just staring at the cieling
What else can I do?
Because these clouds they fall around me
There are no shooting stars?
Who are you to blame when you're not really who you are?

So if you want to go for a ride,
and if you want to stay alive -
Come with me, we'll find another place
Come with me - I can't stay.
Please let me be okay - one day at a time.

So tonight of nights, 4 people have remembered what's special.
Truth is, I've got the worst case of Peter-Pan syndrome ever...bah.
I'm taking an emotional dump on a friend and he doesn't deserve it. He's a great guy. We're discussing our wants to disappear...a 3-month long train ride across Canada sounds good about now. Okay....I no longer feel compelled to write any more. I'll most likely take the lyric down after too long...I'm neurotic and paranoid that someone is going to steal my lyrics.

Nothing Hurts Like your Mouth

I didn't put this blog up to start flame wars over people's views. Sorry if it sounds a bit self-centered, but it's MY blog, my place to vent, so please, respect it, and get along with eachother.

My homosexual tendencies are something that I do, at this point in my life, consider an evil. I've been told multiple times by church leaders, therapists, and friends alike that the attraction isn't the sin...the sin would be found in my acting out, if I ever did so...but that's not a fact that sticks with me right now. The Gay lifestyle is something that I can't allow myself to indulge in, so, my apologies to Hawaii Dave, but it's not something that I'm keen on "accepting." The fact that I'm attracted to men is simply not acceptable to me...and I won't ever live well with it...I appreciate your offer for support, but as it stands, I most likely won't take you, or others, up on the offer. That's not to say it's not appreciated.

To JD, I completely appreciated your sympathies, and your prayers, as well as those of anyone who might be reading this, are extremely appreciated. Having people, both homosexual and heterosexual in my corner makes this fight called life a bit easier to fight.



Now to the meat of my post -
I finally got back to Rexburg. *Sigh of Relief* Being away from my father, my mother, my siblings, people from the church back there...it's just so much of a relief. . . . . . .I have already gotten myself caught up in a love square (think love triangle, but love square)...I've got my best mate, and roomate, the girl he's currently macking on, and one of my good (girl) friends from my home town. Roomate likes his girl, my girlfriend likes roomate, I thought still kind of liked my girlfriendie friend (we dated some in high school...), and am less than pleased with my roomates new lady...I'm beginning to see the truth in the words my therapist, back in Oregon, had for me...that I hate women...I got screwed over by my mother's cowardice as a child (I'll elaborate more on that in bit), and as a consequence, hold an un-conscious disdain for women.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I just don't like the girl...she's nice, she knows about videogames, she's a cute girl...but no...mlah. Call it me being a big prick of a jealous friend, call it my unwaning loyalty to my friends, and not wanting to see them with less than their best, blame it on my disdain for women...I honestly just don't know...Infact, I need to get ahold of the counseling center here at school so I can run all this by them...get their professional opinion on the matter.

My roomates are all really cool...I think they're catching on to the fact that I'm gay, but none are freaking out about it. My ROOMATE roomate already knows and he's not afraid of me for it (thank goodness), and continues to help me out as I'm frustrated, etc.

Sunday was a killer. First off, my hair was completely unruly and totally not up to BYU standard (big woop though), so I was getting dirty looks left and right...I was used to it...but I felt like such an outsider! Back at home everybody knew me as the wallflower...but here...there simply aren't any wallflowers in my ward! It seemed almost as if I as expected to be chipper cheery Peter Priesthood...and I hate that. But here's the clincher. I go to priesthood meeting...there were a decent number of good looking guys around (another factor that's kind of got me on edge...more reason for me to stay cooped up in my apartment)...and once in particular caught my eye...I'll just say he was extremely good looking. We kept on making eye contact, and then both looked away bashfully...'He can't be gay....that'd be SUCH bad timing, and I don't know how well I could hold out!' I thought to myself...We all introduced ourselves, and announced my major...I figured I was going to be the only one with my major, since BYUI doesn't actually offer it; I'm going to have to transfer to BYU to finish my degree...low and behold - he's the same major.

'This is disasterous,' I think to myself...and of course, me being the flirtatious, curious dork that I am, I had to go and introduce myself, and talk it up with the kid a bit...he's just good looking. I ended up having to run back and forth to the laundry room about 10 times last night, and looked at his door everytime...looked at his window, thinking maybe he'd be standing nearby it so I could catch a peek at him...thank goodness the blinds were closed...but bah! I hate all the pretty boys! There are too many good looking mormons!

I Need to See the Real Night Sky, Outside

Once again, I must make my point, however odd it might be, about the whole pawnshop friend thing. I'm there to be the butt of everybody's joke. I constantly get told to shut up, or stop talking, or, quit making stupid comments, or whatever. And yet these people are my 'friends'? I'll blame it on my "sucker for punishment" personality type.

To put it shortly, New Years Eve sucked...topped off with a dab of guilt. Add a dash of insecurity because I know that I'll never live up to my New Year's Resolution to kick porn...I know I'm going to try, but I'm just not going to do it in the end...ya ya ya...say that, and you never will. All I really want is just to be happy again. I want to, for once, not feel any twinge of guilt, or fear anyone...be able to exist in harmony with everything around me. And all that doesn't add to getting treated like crap by my friends...the ONLY friends I have here in my parent's town...everybody else is gone...the only people I go to for social interaction, and I get bashed...and when I try to defend myself? They say "you're being too uptight." One friend was making repeated comments about "Jesus Lion," talking about Aslan from the Lion/witch/wardrobe. Funny enough, I wasn't too offended by it....but when it climbs to the point of sacrelige because said "friend" is saying "Jesus Lion" every 5 seconds...calling me to bow down and repent before Jesus Lion, I get shot down. "Quit being so uptight!" Thanks...the constant repetetion started to grate on my nerves, and so I said to cut it out...Far less caustic than "shut up, you're making gay comments." And I'm the uptight one.

"It's just in our character to be rude, and mean," I was told. If you're not willing to change something as minimal as NOT making fun of one friend, are you really worth being that person's friend in the end? When they pass off that rudeness as "tough love," and expect you to just deal with insults grating on your paternally-instilled inferiority complex, is it so outrageous to be able to expect your friends to concede, and make things a little bit easier on you?


So remember forever ago when I said that I thought my boss was gay? I was right. Yesterday was my last day at the store I worked at, and as such, following my resignation papers, I posed the question: "So, you remember that one question I was going to ask you that one night?" (I was going to ask him, but stopped myself short, because I wasn't sure if it was something that could get me into trouble with the company or not...kind of like asking about religeon at work...it's a no-no). "Ya, I remember," he said as he started to smirk....pause....he knew EXACTLY what that question was...."well......are you?" I stammered? "Yeah," he said. Victory was mine.

Now, it's not a case of me thinking he's attractive...naw, he's shorter than me, and smaller, and has red hair....blah. Were I to go for a guy, my boss was DEFINATELY not my type. I mean...he's good looking and all, but neh...nope not my type.

Anyway...yeah.

I need to go pack my bags for Rexburg. Oh joyous Rexburg. Hopefully I'll find something that'll lift my spirits over there, other than just being out of reach of my father...I'm not going to expect to not be depressed once I'm out of here...I've had to come to the reallization that I've got issues that I've left unchecked for far too many years, and have been forced to face them...depression, most likely, won't leave for a little while.